In recent years, much media attention has focused on the use of “advanced interrogation techniques” or torture methods in order to obtain information deemed vital to the security of the nation. The effectiveness of torture as an interrogation tool is certainly open to debate, but torture techniques have been around since the beginning of mankind. I purposely did not say “since the beginning of civilization”, as that seems awkwardly out of context with the subject of torture. History is full of examples where misguided people in power who have used torture as a means to usurp the will and the lives of others. During the 16th and 17th Century, the Spanish Inquisition found torture to be a very effective way to deal with non-Catholics and other undesirables. The Salem Witch Hunt used torture techniques to extrapolate “confessions” from accused witches. Many recanted their heretic beliefs after enduring extreme interrogation sessions that often included a less sophisticated form of “water boarding”.
The basic premise for torture is the use of power by one party in order to achieve submission by another. But there are many less subtle methods of “emotional” torture that achieve similar objectives. And while the physical injuries may be absent, the emotional scars produced by relationship “torture” can be just as devastating. The tormenting and emotional abuse inflicted by one party on the other when leaving a relationship can have long-lasting and far-reaching ramifications for any future relationships.
If you’ve lived a “tortured” past and you have the emotional (or even physical) scars to prove it, you will need to deal with these issues now or you will pay the price later! If a previous relationship has left you emotionally scarred, you’ll want to opt for some radical surgery! When left unchecked, these strongly felt negative emotions such as pain, anger, hurt and betrayal will eventually affect your psychological and your physical wellbeing. It is a cancer that needs to be eradicated before it starts to spread!
The good news is that you won’t have to check yourself into a hospital. Your radical surgery will be completely holistic. There are 3 steps to the process of emotional self-healing after a “tortured” relationship.
Step 1 – Make a thorough diagnosis of the “tortured relationship”.
Write down all the negative emotions that you associate with your previous relationship. List them in an order, from “most hurtful” to “least hurtful”. Then briefly describe how you handled each emotion while you were in your relationship. Next, describe how you’re handling that same emotion now that you’re single. How did this “emotional torture” affect your self-esteem during your relationship? Is it still affecting the way you feel about yourself? Did you have any support from friends and/or family while you were in your relationship? Are you getting any comfort and support now? In what ways is your PAST affecting your PRESENT? Are you concerned that your past “tortured” relationship may affect any future relationships? Have you completely “shut the emotional door” on your past relationship, or does your ex-partner still wield influence over you?
Step 2 – Removing the “Torture Tumors”
Look at each one of the negative emotions on your list and prescribe yourself an “antidote”. Instead of living in denial, live with joy! Instead of blaming others for their infidelities, forgive them for having violated your trust! Instead of experiencing despair, feel inspired! Instead of feeling angry, feel grateful for the opportunity to grow! Instead of anxiety, allow peace and tranquility to enter your Universe! Instead of having resentment, move to a state of gratitude! Instead of living with doubt and fear, experience absolute certainty! Instead of confusion, seek total clarity!
Step 3 – Make your world a “Virtual Recovery Room”!
Take time every day to celebrate the “new you”! Allow yourself time to heal. Those scars did not get there overnight! Give your life a new purpose! A new meaning! Reach out to those less fortunate than you. Helping others will help you! Allow yourself to escape! Take a vacation. Start a new hobby! Get fit! If you can’t get away, create a parallel universe by escaping with an inspiring book or movie. Meditate in silence and solitude! Find things to look forward to, such as a visit with a friend or a walk in the park! Find people to love. But make sure you don’t quit loving yourself! Always find a time & place to DREAM!
© 2014 Allan N. Mulholland, CPC
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