When we stand in front of a mirror, we see an image of ourselves. Every detail of our physical being is reproduced by the mirror and is only limited by the size, dimensions and distance to the mirror. However, if the mirror is warped, our self-image becomes distorted. If the mirror is chipped or cracked, our self-image becomes fragmented. A flawed mirror no longer reflects the self-image that we wish to portray.
Our personal perception, the one that we project onto others, reflects our self-image in much the same way. The image we want to project onto others must be that of a full-length mirror. It must accurately display every detail of the image we intent to project. A true reflection of the way in which we want to be perceived.
But if we have a dis-empowering image that is limiting or even sabotaging our chances of achieving success, it is as if we’re standing in front of a warped and shattered mirror. We become the mirror image of a distorted and fractured self.
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
That phase is often times used as a rebuke of some derogatory or whimsical remark that may have been made or directed at someone we know well. “Looking in the mirror” encapsulates the imagery and characterization of two people that are colliding in a verbal exchange. It is an appropriate metaphor in light of the previous analogy.
It also serves to emphasize the importance of projecting the correct perception. By creating a new perception, we are creating a new self-image. Our self-image becomes the personification of our self-worth and our self-esteem. A positive projection of our self-image will become the trajectory to triumph and success. And since our self-image is permanently anchored to our perception, it’s imperative that we assemble all the essential elements required to design and develop a perception that is truly representative of the self-image we wish to portray.
Our perceived Identity is the result of a creative endeavor that is consciously crafted by a vision of ourselves and subconsciously molded by our behavioural patterns, our emotional traits, our environmental conditions and our psychological and physiological conditioning.
Our perceived Identity is always based on characterizations made by third parties. And while we can certainly influence and to a large extent determine the way in which we will be defined and characterized by third-party opinion, our perceived Identity remains a naked mannequin waiting for someone to clothe and accessorize it.
Our perceived Identity is defined when someone expresses an opinion about us and directs that opinion at us. The perception we project on that individual is echoed in the language and commentary used to describe us. Our self-image gains in stature and significance if the remarks are of a positive nature. This can take the form of a compliment, a note of appreciation and gratitude or a sign of love, trust, loyalty or respect. Any type of adulation bolsters our self-confidence, especially when it is delivered by someone we trust or admire. When the perceived Identity we create invites such positive and direct feedback, we tend to internalize this perceived Identity almost instantaneously.
If, on the other hand, someone is judgmental of our perceived Identity and links it to some negative connotation, we tend to harbor a certain level of frustration, anxiety or resentment toward that person. At that point it behooves us to “consider the source” of the commentary before we jump to the conclusion that our perceived Identity needs an immediate makeover or even a lobotomy. Just because we are at the mercy of those who define us, we do have the right to negate any characterizations of our perceived Identity when given by someone who is deemed unqualified to define us or who is predisposed to rash or biased judgments based on limited knowledge or misinformation.
The quality of a positive endorsement or the severity of a negative assessment is also instrumental in the impact it has on our perceived Identity . While comments such as “you’re handsome”, “you’re sexy” or “you’re smart” are bound to make us feel good, they do little to define our character and are therefore of a lesser quality than anecdotes about our accomplishments, our contributions and our endeavors.
Similarly, if someone calls us “lazy”, “immature” or “stupid”, we will likely consider the source as irrelevant and let the comments pass for what they are – garbage! If, however, we are subjected to sustained verbal abuse and derogatory innuendo, there is a strong likelihood that our perceived Identity will be negatively impacted.
Most of the time, however, our perceived Identity is indirectly defined. Indirect defining occurs when a positive or a negative opinion about someone else is perceived by us as being equally applicable to ourselves. Often intended as an innocent “off-the-cuff” comment, we will experience a sense of pride when certain qualities are attributed to someone who shares a powerful commonality with ourselves. “A hard-working guy like John is a blessing to his wife and family” can equally be construed as an endorsement of anyone else with a strong personal work ethic. “You can tell that Susan is no longer counting calories” might be a critique that could have easily been leveled at anyone else who is overweight.
Stereotyping based on race, religion, ethnicity and gender is a type of indirect defining of a perceived Identity that, in extreme cases, can impact generations of similarly characterized people.
Yet another way of indirectly defining people occurs when a particular event has a direct impact on us without being intentionally directed at us. For example, we may experience a lack of self-esteem or a feeling of inferiority when we’re passed up on a promotion, do not qualify for a job or are unsuccessful in passing an exam. We could feel undesirable if we are left by our partner in a relationship. We could feel impotent and unsuccessful if we lose a job or fail in a business.
When we feel that we are defined indirectly, we base this definition of ourselves on the perception that we are so defined; even though there is no direct evidence that this is so.
Regardless of whether our perceived Identity is defined directly or indirectly, the fact of the matter is that we have no perceived Identity until someone defines it for us.
© 2014 Allan N. Mulholland, CPC
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